In the wake of Bud Light's decision to use controversial figure Dylan Mulvaney as a brand spokesperson, the CDC has announced a requirement that all other beer manufacturers follow suit. The CDC apparently sees this as a way to dramatically curve rising rates of alcoholism after watching Bud Light's sales plummet.
CDC Directer Rochelle Walensky said in a press briefing, "We really messed a lot of people up with our Covid lockdown policies, and now we have to find creative ways to clean up the mess. Increasing rates of alcoholism following the lockdown's has been atrocious. It has been really exciting to see how Dylan Mulvaney has been able to reduce alcohol sales so successfully. Drinkers appear to have more restraint when a trans activist is on the bottle. All other manufacturers will be compelled to follow suit."
Drinkers and bar owners across the country are outraged. One bar owner in Philadelphia said, "They shut down our businesses during the lockdowns, and now our customers will refuse to buy beer from us. We have already seen a steady decline in Bud Light sales, and something like this could be catastrophic for our business."
Trans activists also seemed to be offended by the suggestion that using trans activists could somehow be a way to curb alcoholism. They shared loudly on Twitter that they do not appreciate being mocked or used as a tool for other people's purposes.
Joe Biden applauded the decision, while eating an ice cream cone in the Ovel Office. He has yet to hold a press conference on this topic.