In a shocking turn of events, European banks have reportedly been calling to America for assistance during the ongoing banking crisis, but there's just one problem: none of the Americans understand what they’re saying.
According to sources close to the situation, European bankers have been frantically calling their American counterparts, seeking help and guidance in the midst of a financial crisis that has rocked the continent. But due to the language barrier, many of these calls have been met with confusion and bewilderment from the American bankers.
"I kept getting these calls from some guy speaking in French. I had no idea what the fuck he was saying," said one American banker, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "I kept telling him, 'I'm sorry buddy, I don't speak French,' but he just kept talking, he wouldn’t shut the hell up actually. It was really frustrating, so I went for lunch."
Other American bankers reported similar experiences, with one describing a call in German as "like listening to the lady who cleans my walk up fight the vacuum up the stairs," and another saying that they had to resort to using Google Translate to communicate with a Spanish-speaking caller.
Meanwhile, European bankers have expressed frustration with the American banks' apparent lack of multilingual skills.
"Nous sommes dans une crise financière majeure, et ils ne peuvent même pas comprendre le français? C'est ridicule," said one French banker, in a quote that was presumably much more eloquent and impassioned in the original language. Here at the Bugle, none of us speak French, German, or Spanish, so please let us know what any of this means.
Similarly, a German banker reportedly exclaimed, "Sprechen sie Deutsch, oder was? Wir brauchen Hilfe!" and a Spanish banker was heard muttering "No entienden nada," in frustration.
Despite the language barrier, some American banks have attempted to assist their European counterparts in whatever way they can, with one bank reportedly sending over a team of translators to help facilitate communication.
"We may not speak the language, but we're still here to help," said one American banker. " Of course we didn’t have any Spanish speaking staff, so we had to go down to the Bodega on 34th and see if anyone could help us. Tommy even called in his landscaping guys, but it turned out they’re Laotian so we couldn’t use them"
However, others have expressed skepticism about the effectiveness of these efforts. "Sending over translators is all well and good, but it doesn't solve the underlying problem," said another American banker. "We need to find a way to communicate more effectively, or this crisis is just going to continue. I’ve been working through my rolodex all morning and aside from my nail lady, the pool kid, or that Russian chick I meet in Murray Hill sometimes, I’m out of luck."
As the banking crisis rages on, it remains to be seen whether the language barrier will continue to be a hindrance to transatlantic cooperation. But one thing is for certain: for European bankers, the urgency of the situation is clear, even if their calls for help are not always understood by their American counterparts.