As the jury decision was read to a packed courtroom of eager reporters and clicking cameras, SBF, the once famed effectively altruistic vegan, sank further and further into his chair. The verdict was returned and the room breathed a long sigh, guilty on all seven counts.
Judge Gracie Mercy, renowned for her unorthodox rulings, threw the courtroom into a frenzy as she declared that SBF's punishment would involve reconciling with his long-lost girlfriend and polycule member, Caroline Ellison. "This court believes in the power of redemption and second chances," stated Judge Mercy, who has gained notoriety for her unconventional approach to justice.
The gallery erupted in gasps and whispers as SBFs's smug expression contorted into one of utter bewilderment and fear. The silver-tongued swindler, who had charmed his way into the hearts and wallets of countless unsuspecting victims via his FTX scam, now faced the prospect of forcibly rekindling an old flame he had long extinguished.
Ellison, who flipped months ago in exchange for an undefined sweetheart deal, was rumored to be seen exhibiting a small fist pump and mouthing the words, "Fuck, yes." as the verdict and sentencing was read.
The defense team, led by the renowned legal strategist, Max Morrison, attempted to argue that the sentence was a violation of SBF's human rights. "This is an outrage! Mr. Bankman-Fried has already been sentenced to considerable jail time. Forcing him to confront his past romantic endeavors, especially the polycule, is an excessive and unnecessary infringement upon his personal life, and frankly, something he lacks the current medication to endure," Morrison thundered in a passionate plea to the court.
However, Judge Mercy remained resolute, emphasizing the need for SBF to confront the consequences of his actions beyond the confines of a prison cell. "This is about more than just monetary losses. Mr. Bankman-Fried must learn the value of honesty and trust in all aspects of his life. I expect full emotional engagement during the mandatory conjugal sessions," she asserted, her voice echoing through the hushed courtroom.
It remains to be seen what the conditions of SBF's sentencing will be, and whether he has any freedom to select from a variety of leather sets, playtoys, whips, anal beads, and strap-ons the state is required to supply for all polycule sentencings, but we can be sure this is a landmark sentence in a landmark case that will forever mark the industry and set future standards of accountability.