They want you to believe the Bitcoin Conference 2023 was a roaring success, but underneath a veneer of excitement lies some of the darkest and most depraved things we have covered to date. After much discussion in the editorial office, we decided it was our duty as the finest journalists in the space to tell you the truth of what happened.
Here are the ten things we aren't supposed to tell you from our time at the Bitcoin Conference 2023.
Reader discretion is advised.
- Udi and Eric wore matching buttplugs on stage.
Our sources have confirmed that much of the bouncing around on stage from Udi Wertheimer and Eric Wall was due to the little something extra they brought along with them. On a dare, and to prove "just how fun we are," the dynamic duo risked it all by donning wizard outfits and sliding in a little something extra.
2. Rick from CryptoCloaks 3D printed Glocks and handed them out for free.
We were shocked to hear the team from CryptoCloaks was illicitly distributing a variety of multicolored Glock, AR and Mac-11 prints from their booth in the bazaar. The Bugle fully respects the law around production and distribution of firearms, but holy shit is our lime green Glock 19 fkin' sick. We can't wait to get her to the range and pew some bad dudes on paper (allegedly).
3. Someone dropped MDMA and LSD into the coffee in The Deep.
We have our suspicions that DJ Valerie, Vibe Godess may be involved, but are still dealing with the walls turning into spaghetti and aren't sure if we saw her or Donna from That 70s Show covered in eagle feathers dumping an unknown liquid into the morning coffee. We almost bought an NFT of a dickbutt and got tackled by Saylors body man for rubbing his face when we met him. Anyways, awesome morning, if anyone can tell us where Aubrey Strobel went that would be great. Last we saw she got naked on the coffee bar and started throwing espresso beans at Lyn Alden.
4. Someone (Marty Bent), took a HUGE dump in the green room and didn't flush.
Dude, I was right in line behind you for the bathroom before you got on stage, and that turd demon you left for me was uncool. First off, I almost passed out getting into the stall, second, I think you need more fiber, third, don't use so much toilet paper, it isn't good for the pipes. Anyways, the seat was warm and the stank was gnarly and I wish you would just admit it.
5. HODLTarantula may have gotten JessicaHODLR Preggers.
In what can only be described as an unexpected series of events, Katie The Russian went into Jessica's room to wake her for day 2 of events, only to find a very tan and very nude tarantula in bed with her. Some are speculating that this caused Tarantula to 'over-perform' and win the Bitcoin Games later that week. We will have to wait and see how the swimming events went to be sure.