WASHINGTON, DC – In what can only be described as a financial Hail Mary, President Joe Biden revealed his grand solution to the national debt problem on June 6th, 2023: The United States Treasury will mint fifty gargantuan $1 Trillion Platinum Coins. The announcement was met with a peculiar blend of shock, skepticism, and— in some corners—giddy delight.
The White House lawn was dotted with an eclectic mix of economists, activists, and confused onlookers. Among them, a huddle of Modern Monetary Theorists seemed to vibrate with anticipation, as if ready to burst into a nerdy victory dance at any moment.
Among those present was Rohan Gray, a staunch advocate of Modern Monetary Theory from Willamette University College of Law. Although known for his zealous belief in the government's ability to mint its way out of debt, even Gray appeared a tad taken aback by the magnitude of the proposal. "I mean, we all know the national debt is a hefty sum, but fifty trillion-dollar coins? That's like trying to swat a fly with a sledgehammer!" he mused.
Next to Gray stood Nathan Tankus, another formidable figure in Modern Monetary Theory, who dismissively brushed aside fears of hyperinflation. "Inflation? It's like a scary bedtime story for economists. You don't seriously still believe in that, do you?"
The announcement comes on the heels of a debt ceiling deal signed into law by Biden, which suspended the nation's debt limit through January 1, 2025, averting a potential first-ever (or fifth-ever, but who's counting) US default. The deal, which was the result of contentious negotiations between the White House and House Republicans, was seen as a significant achievement in safeguarding Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, and fulfilling obligations to veterans. Several prominent Republicans have voiced dissent that the Coin minting plan violates the deal they made with the Biden administration.
This audacious plan was also met with consternation from Austrian Economists. "Insanity! Complete and utter insanity!" fumed one, dubbing the move as economic lunacy that was certain to backfire. His comment was met with several nods of agreement, the consensus being that this was a monetary apocalypse in the making.
Meanwhile, a separate controversy brewed over the choice of Dylan Mulvaney's face on these massive coins. Mulvaney, once known for her endearing squirrel videos, has since become a trans-activist, landing her on the front of Bud Light cans—a decision that led to an international boycott and heated debates about the intersection of commerce and identity politics.
The Treasury's decision to carry forward Mulvaney's face onto the trillion-dollar coins has once again ignited these debates. Critics argue that the monumental worth of the coin deserve a more solemn symbol, while supporters applauded the bold nod towards inclusivity.
President Biden, making an unscheduled flight back to the Rose Garden for this surprise event, shrugged off the criticism. "Look, folks, Dylan's face is a testament to the evolving American spirit."
As we teeter on the brink of this bizarre economic experiment, it's clear that Biden's administration is ready to roll the dice and watch them land where they may. The President even mentioned considering nominating Rohan Gray for the Nobel Peace Prize for his unique contribution to economic thought.
"And if the folks over in Norway disagree," Biden quipped, "we'll just remove them from the SWIFT network until they see the error of their ways."
Perhaps to underscore the above "friendly recommendation," the USS Gerald R. Ford is currently being stored in the Oslo fjord.
As we barrel towards an uncertain future, it seems our only certainty is that life under Biden's administration will be anything but dull. Modern Monetary Theorists might be doing the Macarena in the halls of the White House, but the rest of us are left wondering: Will we wake up in a brave new world of economic stability, or will we find ourselves in a dystopian nightmare where a loaf of bread costs a Dylan Mulvaney? Buckle up, America. It's going to be a wild ride.