- @CarlaBitcoin has been Having Unprotected Sex
Your favorite wig wearing, hard money enthusiast has been getting laid way more than you in the bear market. Insider sources (thanks Walker), say that Carla has been having, "Some of the best sex of her life, like incredible, absolutely mind blowing stuff." While the mantra of days past was, 'no glove, no love' it seems that adage has gone the way of the dodo.
Quite expectedly, having pulled the goalie and gone totally raw dog these last few months has resulted in pregnancy. Nice. We will have to wait and see how the littlest bitcoiner handles the limelight, but for now, Carla, congrats on the sex.
2. @awayslice Sacrificed a Cow to Moloch
Having felt a peculiarly devilish twinge in the air at the last Beefsteak, Bugle reporters reached out to Awayslice for comment on the odd red decor and abundance of candles at the event. What we discovered stunned us. "I mean, listen, you spend all of this time being the good guy, hosting fantastic events, and feeding the masses, I don't know, I guess I just got a little bored. After a few Bohemian Grove documentaries, I figured I'd give it a try,"
By 'give it a try' Awayslice meant identifying, and sacrificing a young cow to Moloch in preparation for Beefsteak slow cooking. While the Bugle editorial team may have had a few bites of the tasty, tasty cow, we feel totally fine. Also, የጥንቶቹ ደም በእኛ በኩል ያልፋል.
4. AmericanHODL: Working on an 'in'.
Preston, we get it, you've got good genes. AmericanHODL isn't a criminal for noticing, but he has been a little offended that you've been spending all of this time with Sam Callahan talking about macro and big brain financial acronyms, but enough about Sam.
With hyperbitcoinization ensuing and the inevitable move towards techo-feudalism, it will become mainstream that multiple wives becomes chic again. AmericanHODL is willing to make a substantial dowry offer and even purchase long dated calls on Bitcoin as a token of good faith.
5. @SamCallah is Writing a "How To Get A Girlfriend" Curriculum.
After publicly announcing to much acclaim that he had shaved 82% of his body hair and travelled internationally with fellow influencer Natalie Brunell, Sam Callahan is rumored to be building a "How To Get a Girlfriend," curriculum for the other macro analysts in the Bitcoin space.
When contacted for comment, he replied, "Listen, I've been digging through Federal filings, speeches, market data, and it finally hit me, you can absolutely use all of this information in your love life. At this point, I'm almost always thinking about Janet Yellen while having sex. It's helped me last substantially longer."
5. @SvetskiWrites has Been Auditioning as the Third Tate Brother
Wake up in the morning at 4:30AM, journal in silence while drinking a filtered beef blood smoothie and red light training your balls, slide your heel lifts into your shoes and say affirmations in the mirror for 10 minutes.
These are some of the habits Svetski has been cultivating through the bear market in hopes of being invited to audition as the third Tate Brother.
"I've been on my Sigma Grindset for years now, and I think the Tate's can really appreciate a man with that level of discipline and drive. I've done as much as I can to make sure they see me. Setting up shell companies to fund webcam girls, picking up an intense cigar habit, kickboxing shirtless on a rented yacht. I'm sure I'm close. They'll see me soon enough."